I am scared chicken shit

I fear too much.. I fear everything. I looked tough but I am weak inside. I am totally lost now..my compass got messed up..my mum dunno why I was really upset. Ok, maybe partially. I fear loneliness. Ya, I cried at every night when I was sec sch. I was utterly lonely. School and home were no refuge for me. I was just lost. But I did not really panicked. I was only depressed. When i converted to christian, I had friends around me. I finally found friendship. It brought a bad thing along. It let me realised how bad loneliness could feel. It was feeling cold and empty inside. It was awful. I couldn't shake it off.

This afternoon, I was in good mood. met nicholyn at the canteen. Yay! Got pple to stone wif le..but they got PE. Good thing my OG mates around. BUT they left for drinks, photocopy stuff, talk and catch up with old schmates. I tried to occupy myself but as time went by, I panicked. I AM LONELY!!!! I noe is a weird thing to feel but i fear. I fear my past. The awful feeling and those crying to no one and screaming soundlessly at the walls of the bathroom every night. I got moody and the tuition wif the P1 kid made it worse. He reflected me of my pri sch days. At points of time during tuition, I stared into space wif those nightmares of being ignored and bullied verbally dancing b4 me. My family did not give much attention when I mentioned it to them.

Now, i reachd home. NY teacher called. Ya, the school allowed me to continue calligraphy but under the LEP programme. China studies and such.. I was like wad?! I have no interest in that. I wanted badminton. Wanted it for years. YEARS!!! Cos of that stupid calligraphy.. I HATE IT!!!
I am really depressed. Is like getting where i started from. I really relied too much on my friends. I forgot how to be lonesome which is bad. I have become brittle. Without friends around I panicked. Is too much. Having dropping real deep into friendship hurt me too much
. I fear..to protect myself, I better keep my distance. I dun wanna be hurt.