I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through

I dreamt I was missing, I were so scared. But no one would listen cos no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke, crying again, with this fear. How many more nights I am going to spend wetting my pillow? What am I leaving when I'm done here? Does anyone know if I'm leaving in the first place? Not expecting to be one who is so important that friend will fuss like crazy. A little of that seemed like a luxury. I'm strong on the surface but not all the way through. I've never been perfect but neither has anyone else. So explain to me all the differences that occur to me but anyone else.I appear strong. Maybe someone whose 神经 is super 大条one. But no point right? Trying to ignore everything that threatens my emotions, judging by how much I can be affected by actions so trivial such as tossing my paper on the table with the comment,"eee..." ah...one of the tutors did told me those people are childish so I should not react to it. But it still hurts doesn't it? So much of putting in effort to maintain a friendship. Ended up hurting hurting myself. I dread going to school. Hated it to bits. People hang out with, they are super nice, they tolerate my nonsensical rubbish but still I dun feel belong. Dunno how to phrase it,let's see...maybe is like entering a place that makes you stick out like a sore thumb? Is like settling at the table with a plate of chicken rice can be very awkward, no matter I'm with someone or not. Watch everyone around me, thoughts like," they look cool sia...one gang of people doing stuff together," or "if only I can be like them."

Hey, Hey Did you ever think there might be another way to just feel better,just feel better about today? *shrug* I have no idea actually. Right now I feel just like a leaf on a breeze. Who knows where it's blowing. Who knows where it's going. I find myself somewhere I never thought I'd be. Going round in circles, thinking about people and me. How do I explain it when I don't know what to say? What do I do now, so much has changed and yet I'm back at square one? Scrolling down contacts, dunno who to confine to. They either shrug off and say,"joey, relax.." or dunno la..scold me for the lack of gratitude but saying thanks for no help done (what I feel) sounds damn hypocritical. What to do? I'm on my own, as it always been. People in my life...like my luck in mahjong. Takes pains to earn a thousand bucks in 4 games(equivalent to 2 relative close friends in 6 months) but gone just in the next game( equivalent to 5 friends in 3 months). Lousy skill eh lousy skill. Skills infested with lice. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Funny.