The end

I thought was that a New Year resolution is just something people do to have some kind of false hope, false courage. It is just an activity that he or she aims to do to become better. Too bad for me I learnt that not following the stupid list of what to do and what not do can be, well, brutal and violent. Not physically though, which I hope it is so. That girl brought to my senses to really see how important that stupid list is or should I say was, so important that I do not wish to do it again. She shared with me something. Just a chapter of her life. Year 2009.

She knew there were friends she could not keep anymore. She stayed away from them. There were huge prices to pay. No more cliques. No more laughter and crazy stories to share in a group. Worse come to worst, she had to be alone and be strong to face it. So she put up a strong hold in front of everyone. She turned into a hypocrite. “Smile…and lend a helping hand. Organize outings. You’ll be happier,” those are the false encouragements she gave herself when facing people she could not bring herself to hate or dislike. But still, every night, when she looked at me, she only told me, “What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t want those outings or whatever what nots. They are bluff. Scam! Will they come to me when they have outings of their own?” I replied, “You turned them down when they invited you.” She kept her silence for a while and muttered, “those aren’t for me…they just want entertainment. They just want me to be there so the atmosphere will be good. They just want numbers.” I could not answer that.

Days passed, I saw her struggling with her school, tackling with problems alone. Family was not much of a help as they didn’t pay much attention or they dismissed her grief as a trivial and passing thing. There were people who offered to help but she turned them down. She hated such people. “They offered to help so they can appear humane.” I was confused by her. She yearned that people would help but she refused help. Oxymoron. Still, the soundless screaming never stopped each time she hit the bathroom. I could do nothing as I had no idea what she wanted. I didn’t know what kind of person she wanted to be.

“Try telling people how you feel,” I suggested. She did. Replies came, “I felt the same way sometimes too.” “Now you understand how I feel when I went out with my friends.” “Huh…cheer up leh.” “okay.” “I’ll always here for you.” She freaked out with the last one. “I DON’T WANT TO KNOW IF THOSE SHIT PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY TOO! I WANT ANSWERS! I WANT SOLUTIONS! THEY HAVE FRIENDS WITH THEM! I DON’T FEEL CONNECTED TO ANYONE AT ALL!! I LOST THE ONLY FRIEND WHOM I APPROACHED FIRST HAND TO WHAT? LUST?! It’s mockery to me…for me to put in everything. I got nothing back. I achieved nothing.” She cried. Again. I seriously pondered when such drama will stop. Hormones making a mess of her when her period approaching? No, impossible. This had gone for like DAYS. Maybe because of A levels. Hope so. I am getting sick of her.

She got calmer after the exams, knowing that she had screwed it up for sure. She had ditched her wishes to become a teacher. “What happened to the pact with that guy?” I asked. “Get lost and get off my face,” came the reply. She found a job, busy enough to keep her mind off things. She didn’t have the time to think. I was kind of relieved. It was not permanent but at least it would keep her from going down for the next half a year. She got to know all the colleagues within 3 days. There was no complaints when she knocked off. She was genuinely happy but tired. She was closer to a colleague who was guiding her. “She could be my new best friend!” she said to me one day, with a silly grin which I had not since for a long time.

Good things did not last, as usual. In her life, it happened too many times that she was aware of it and had been very cautious about it. But strangely, she was taken off guard. Her colleague was leaving. She was…I couldn’t find words to describe it. One moment she singing mentally in her head while doing her job, the next, there was silence. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. She couldn’t hear the Christmas carol that was playing in the lab. “Cheer up, she has high hopes for you so don’t disappoint her ok?” I encouraged her. Like a switch, the singing continued and I sighed in relief.

The day when her colleague was due to leave, she screwed up her job, could not do things in her usual quick, decisive pace. Things were unorganized, everything was in a mess. Her colleague stepped in to help. She was happy. “Let her see you smile before she leaves. You don’t want her to leave, worrying for you, do you?” I pushed her a bit. She smiled but received an insulting response from another colleague, “you are happy that she is leaving and you can have everything to yourself right?” Her smile slipped and I was lost for words. She became quiet for the rest of the day. Other colleagues cried at the end of the day. She stayed in the lab furiously finishing her work. Tears flowed blurring her vision. She nicked her finger at the trimmer. She didn’t care. She was heart broken. Stubborn as she was, she wiped it away, took a few breaths and looked her colleague for the final check on her work. She wished her colleague would take notice of her redden eyes. She did not take notice.

Christmas was fast approaching and holidays tagged along. She had no work to keep her mind off things. She asked several people out. Very few replied and those replies didn’t do any good to her as they did not do her any favor. To her, miraculously, everyone was occupied. Her mum was getting married and her sister soon attached, naturally, they were not with her. She felt lonely, brutally deceived by hopes that danced mockingly in front of her. Again, she screamed in the toilet. But this time round, a long ragged scream tore out from her throat. I couldn’t bring myself to watch anymore. I couldn’t. She looked at me in the eye and whispered, “Why?” I couldn’t answer.

She walked out of the toilet and i heard her no more. Just like that. Merry Christmas.