Kinda realised what I really wanted.

I thank the fella up there for knowing Tommy, for giving this man the patience for my barbaric actions, my indifference towards family values and other sorts that I wish none of my employers know about or even anyone else. Kinda rude for me to call him the "fella" but I am an atheist...probably is the first time since long ago I actually believe in guardian angel or some sort. Am I really greedy to ask for one more thing that makes me life even more complete? Have I even collected enough brownie points to redeem for what I want? I doubt so but I am going to say it anyways. I moved out, out of whim or whatever it is, it made me feel liberated but there's something inside that died. Probably it's a belief that is proven futile. I know love makes someone believe that one's partner is all he ever need but face it, when that significant other is not around, you are left with nothing. For me, that sense of emptiness just creeps in. There's no way Tommy could understand, Day in day out, work, study, sleep...the whole routine goes on and on. How many years has this routine been? Since 2005? Seeing others party hard doesn't help. Not that I really want to drink till my gastric kills me. Even I am struggling how to explain things to myself. I want a best friend. Ha! I find this damn primary school, damn corny. But ya, I need someone who I can share with, about anything, everything. I need a listening ear, someone who feels, someone to rely on. Sounds like a job of a boyfriend eh? It's different. You see, I have lost my best friend 5 yrs ago to lust. Not exactly a good friend you say, but hell, I trust her. There's no fear when talking to her. No fear that she will tell my mum, bf or friends. Talk about sex, about life, help each other think things out...but it's all gone. Tried finding the same quality in another girl, she dumped me cos I don't fit her social circle *shrugs* I missed the late nights phone chat and such..I really do. This bad habit of not contacting anyone upon graduation, blame myself but subconsciously blame others too. I was hoping to be asked out or something. None of that happened, why? Cos they know I am busy with work, not much of a choice right? Everyone has this circle of friends, mine is not a circle. Dun even know if I have a social circle to start with. If I am gone, will I be missed? Or am I just someone passing by, leaving no impression behind?