It snapped

Something just broke on the 29^th December 2016. I probably had shrugged it off for a day or two but that ugliness kept creeping in whenever it has the chance to. That familiar sight of “everyone is in it but NOT you’. It killed me. It racked up some of the worst wounds I had in the past. IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!!! What I did was only to move to the next table to accommodate the then intern. What did you expect me to do?! Squeeze 9 persons in a tiny table? I kinda have an excellent first-hand experience of true loneliness amongst a crowd.

Things did not get better as the year came to its last few seconds. Having to organise gatherings was getting harder, coordinating amongst 4 people was like asking a nation to contribute 10cents per household to charity. Messages were read and ignored. Repeated question seemed to have become a sign of restriction not concern. The constant battle for attention when it was needed and redundant ones granted when the desire was abandoned.

So, what I did was ripping off any seemingly close but in fact useless relations. Of course, my absence seemed to attract attention with the usual “what happened”. Nah, I don’t need those anymore. Each time I pressed the delete button, there was a tiny bit feeling of liberation with huge doses of regret. Regret and disappointment with myself. Berating myself on regards to invest any emotions on another person.

Whatever I am doing, I know I am sabotaging my own marriage. Whenever I have anger towards him, I used to flare and it wasn’t pretty. Things were slammed. No, I do not need reminders how my life was. Fine, I swallowed everything and shoved it somewhere within me. I have no idea how to throw it away. Since when I knew? The irony was that the person who cultivated emotions into me was the same one who triggered everything. For some reason, he is always the one.

I have no one to talk to now. At least this time round, I choose it that way. I know I am suffering. I felt like I was dying on New Year’s Day, wheezing and fruitlessly massaging my numb fingers. I knew what it was and of course to confirm it meant a meaningless trip to the doctor’s. You know? To make sure it was ultimately not due to some bogus allergy. That familiar ache in the chest, suffocating me.

At least I am finally having the guts to do what I should have done. Hopefully, I can at least keep a promise to myself. I do not need unnecessary human interactions.

Bye everyone. I will cease to exist in your life.

Kinda realised what I really wanted.

I thank the fella up there for knowing Tommy, for giving this man the patience for my barbaric actions, my indifference towards family values and other sorts that I wish none of my employers know about or even anyone else. Kinda rude for me to call him the "fella" but I am an atheist...probably is the first time since long ago I actually believe in guardian angel or some sort. Am I really greedy to ask for one more thing that makes me life even more complete? Have I even collected enough brownie points to redeem for what I want? I doubt so but I am going to say it anyways. I moved out, out of whim or whatever it is, it made me feel liberated but there's something inside that died. Probably it's a belief that is proven futile. I know love makes someone believe that one's partner is all he ever need but face it, when that significant other is not around, you are left with nothing. For me, that sense of emptiness just creeps in. There's no way Tommy could understand, Day in day out, work, study, sleep...the whole routine goes on and on. How many years has this routine been? Since 2005? Seeing others party hard doesn't help. Not that I really want to drink till my gastric kills me. Even I am struggling how to explain things to myself. I want a best friend. Ha! I find this damn primary school, damn corny. But ya, I need someone who I can share with, about anything, everything. I need a listening ear, someone who feels, someone to rely on. Sounds like a job of a boyfriend eh? It's different. You see, I have lost my best friend 5 yrs ago to lust. Not exactly a good friend you say, but hell, I trust her. There's no fear when talking to her. No fear that she will tell my mum, bf or friends. Talk about sex, about life, help each other think things out...but it's all gone. Tried finding the same quality in another girl, she dumped me cos I don't fit her social circle *shrugs* I missed the late nights phone chat and such..I really do. This bad habit of not contacting anyone upon graduation, blame myself but subconsciously blame others too. I was hoping to be asked out or something. None of that happened, why? Cos they know I am busy with work, not much of a choice right? Everyone has this circle of friends, mine is not a circle. Dun even know if I have a social circle to start with. If I am gone, will I be missed? Or am I just someone passing by, leaving no impression behind?

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that i can confess

Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll like those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
Don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm Gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing how we got this far
It's like were chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars

And everyday I see the news
All the problems we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

Something that clicked

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

When I say something or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony

I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you did

15th July was Hazel's b'day. And I almost forgot abt it. Let's see. Recently, I have been pondering. There are lots of things I can let go. Like the past, regardless if it is failed relationship or screwed up family matters or got to be stabbed by close friends. Hell, it does not matter anymore. In fact, I feel kinda powerful. With my own money, I got myself a phone (though is free as I sign contract but I pay my own bills lor...) a laptop, a bicycle and my cutest dog on earth. Is not like I got these things cos I saved up my parent's money. But through my own money that I worked for. Who, in my circle of friends at my age, pays for house rent and electricity? No one I know about. At least now I am given such responsibility. Kinda cool dun you think? (though it is stressful sometimes) Yeah, I feel kinda happy now cos I have almost everything I need, though there are times I see a group of friends going out together or a couple with lovey dovey make me feel kinda disheartening. But screw it, I want to be stronger and never regret for the rest of my life.

NO NO NO NO
I will never forget
NO NO
I will never regret
NO NO
I WILL LIVE MY LIFE

RAR!!! K, I am done. Bye!

Slack ar!

Today..ok, crosesd 12 midnight le. Yesterday, only one tuition so slack the whole day ar!! AHAHAHA! Nothing much i guess. Cheered up a bit. The day before yesterday was horrible. Couldn't sleep. Was so overwhelmed by envy that I could not even calm down and rest. Pissed that I dun have someone close to me, pissed that I seemed to always need to work my ass of to get money. But dunno why, i felt better. Maybe mood swing again. Mon student care was a bit hilarious cos of one of my students. He spelt "truck" as "truask" and "marker" as "market". Haha. My in charge wasn't going to pay me for my overtime..ah well. Amelia and I were staring at a thousand dollar note. The other student care teacher walked past and said, " Never see b4 ar?" Both of us were shaking our heads. Boy, my saving normally taken out using fifty dollar note. Of course nv see b4 la! Haha...got this crazy idea to take photo. Damn funny. Getting a bicycle soon! Yay! Got one last time cos of Nicholas' influenece but it got super rusty. Neighbour bought it for thirty bucks and I have not seen it ever since. Just need to take things slow. One baby step at a time. So excited! B-I-C-Y-C-L-E. hohoh..going crazy! WOOTS!