New year...I hate it before it even starts

So wad I have achieved in 2009? Nothing. Wad have I lost? Tonnes man..ok, my weight fell (dun laugh), some of my confidence, my self-esteem and my optimism. Ok, I may have found an awesome job...erm, maybe throw in getting to know more friends who are like on and off. See? I am skeptical from the start. The end of 2009 was a total crap business. Shit holidays, no work, makes my life suck. Is like everyone going out with their clique, with me walking past them from work to home. Struggling to find food to fill my tummy (why struggle? no appetite, yet I am hungry BUT I dunno what to eat.) That suck, then plong myself in front of the com munching, trying to find funny videos to laugh it off. Sounds like some nerd. Mum's out with jason. Sis gone with friends (ah ya, leave me alone<-------that's her parting "happy new year" to me). Hazel was nuaing like a carpet, poked her also no response. She offlined herself from me. A new friend of mine racking his brains thinking why I hate my life so much that I have to work my ass off in order not to think about it. Try spending time solitude in festive days. I'll see if you start emoing. Can't wait monday to come quick. I WAN TO WORK!!! Fucking new year to me. Resolutions? I shitted on my A levels script last months so I expected shit on my cert also. See how it goes. I'll weigh my options. Go RP for my fav course or try to geng to get into uni (what are the odds man?) I have no resolutions, seriously. Do I need one when none works out cos of my sudden sense of hope which turned out to be a mockery to me? Nay...I dun think. I have enough of being "normal". Ah yes, I need a new mask for my work. My emotions are too raw on my face. I want a mask that is unreadable.

Lesson I learnt on christmas...I dun think so.

When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

The end

I thought was that a New Year resolution is just something people do to have some kind of false hope, false courage. It is just an activity that he or she aims to do to become better. Too bad for me I learnt that not following the stupid list of what to do and what not do can be, well, brutal and violent. Not physically though, which I hope it is so. That girl brought to my senses to really see how important that stupid list is or should I say was, so important that I do not wish to do it again. She shared with me something. Just a chapter of her life. Year 2009.

She knew there were friends she could not keep anymore. She stayed away from them. There were huge prices to pay. No more cliques. No more laughter and crazy stories to share in a group. Worse come to worst, she had to be alone and be strong to face it. So she put up a strong hold in front of everyone. She turned into a hypocrite. “Smile…and lend a helping hand. Organize outings. You’ll be happier,” those are the false encouragements she gave herself when facing people she could not bring herself to hate or dislike. But still, every night, when she looked at me, she only told me, “What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t want those outings or whatever what nots. They are bluff. Scam! Will they come to me when they have outings of their own?” I replied, “You turned them down when they invited you.” She kept her silence for a while and muttered, “those aren’t for me…they just want entertainment. They just want me to be there so the atmosphere will be good. They just want numbers.” I could not answer that.

Days passed, I saw her struggling with her school, tackling with problems alone. Family was not much of a help as they didn’t pay much attention or they dismissed her grief as a trivial and passing thing. There were people who offered to help but she turned them down. She hated such people. “They offered to help so they can appear humane.” I was confused by her. She yearned that people would help but she refused help. Oxymoron. Still, the soundless screaming never stopped each time she hit the bathroom. I could do nothing as I had no idea what she wanted. I didn’t know what kind of person she wanted to be.

“Try telling people how you feel,” I suggested. She did. Replies came, “I felt the same way sometimes too.” “Now you understand how I feel when I went out with my friends.” “Huh…cheer up leh.” “okay.” “I’ll always here for you.” She freaked out with the last one. “I DON’T WANT TO KNOW IF THOSE SHIT PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY TOO! I WANT ANSWERS! I WANT SOLUTIONS! THEY HAVE FRIENDS WITH THEM! I DON’T FEEL CONNECTED TO ANYONE AT ALL!! I LOST THE ONLY FRIEND WHOM I APPROACHED FIRST HAND TO WHAT? LUST?! It’s mockery to me…for me to put in everything. I got nothing back. I achieved nothing.” She cried. Again. I seriously pondered when such drama will stop. Hormones making a mess of her when her period approaching? No, impossible. This had gone for like DAYS. Maybe because of A levels. Hope so. I am getting sick of her.

She got calmer after the exams, knowing that she had screwed it up for sure. She had ditched her wishes to become a teacher. “What happened to the pact with that guy?” I asked. “Get lost and get off my face,” came the reply. She found a job, busy enough to keep her mind off things. She didn’t have the time to think. I was kind of relieved. It was not permanent but at least it would keep her from going down for the next half a year. She got to know all the colleagues within 3 days. There was no complaints when she knocked off. She was genuinely happy but tired. She was closer to a colleague who was guiding her. “She could be my new best friend!” she said to me one day, with a silly grin which I had not since for a long time.

Good things did not last, as usual. In her life, it happened too many times that she was aware of it and had been very cautious about it. But strangely, she was taken off guard. Her colleague was leaving. She was…I couldn’t find words to describe it. One moment she singing mentally in her head while doing her job, the next, there was silence. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. She couldn’t hear the Christmas carol that was playing in the lab. “Cheer up, she has high hopes for you so don’t disappoint her ok?” I encouraged her. Like a switch, the singing continued and I sighed in relief.

The day when her colleague was due to leave, she screwed up her job, could not do things in her usual quick, decisive pace. Things were unorganized, everything was in a mess. Her colleague stepped in to help. She was happy. “Let her see you smile before she leaves. You don’t want her to leave, worrying for you, do you?” I pushed her a bit. She smiled but received an insulting response from another colleague, “you are happy that she is leaving and you can have everything to yourself right?” Her smile slipped and I was lost for words. She became quiet for the rest of the day. Other colleagues cried at the end of the day. She stayed in the lab furiously finishing her work. Tears flowed blurring her vision. She nicked her finger at the trimmer. She didn’t care. She was heart broken. Stubborn as she was, she wiped it away, took a few breaths and looked her colleague for the final check on her work. She wished her colleague would take notice of her redden eyes. She did not take notice.

Christmas was fast approaching and holidays tagged along. She had no work to keep her mind off things. She asked several people out. Very few replied and those replies didn’t do any good to her as they did not do her any favor. To her, miraculously, everyone was occupied. Her mum was getting married and her sister soon attached, naturally, they were not with her. She felt lonely, brutally deceived by hopes that danced mockingly in front of her. Again, she screamed in the toilet. But this time round, a long ragged scream tore out from her throat. I couldn’t bring myself to watch anymore. I couldn’t. She looked at me in the eye and whispered, “Why?” I couldn’t answer.

She walked out of the toilet and i heard her no more. Just like that. Merry Christmas.

Emoing...if only someone will sing me this song and really mean it.

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leaving
As you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you i can't save you
Its something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So I'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you come back to me

As days went by, I just got more and more awkward regarding to the way I am. Tired of asking myself the same question repeatedly. " Who do you feel connected to?" "Is there anyone who is really close to you?" "Why people's lives seemed to be not hypocritical as you ar?" Fine, those are more than one question. But I can't answer those. Dun care...find work...best if it is a seven day job. Bring it on. I want to work till I drop. Without thinking of trivial matters. Ya, trivial indeed. So trivial that I am freaked by them. Talking about an elephant fearing a rat. I'm the elephant. The questions are pesky rats.