Finally had a productive day. Felt happy studying with a friend. Cleared 2 bio papers and one maths paper 2. But I have to admit that bio paper, I 've no clue wad I was doing. A lot of dunnos. Was enjoying myself doing work when my friend said somthing that stopped me in my momentum, leaving me pondering over something. I have clarify that he did not say anything that hurt or insulted me. It just that it tugged onto something that I've shoving to the back of my mind. "Replacement" happened to be one of the words that threw me off course. So happened that he had to study with another but happened that she fell sick so I got to study with him. Sounds wrong to me. I certainly have no idea where I stand in everyone's life. Be it a stone on the roadside or even a wind that makes you feel good at a moment and you will soon forget about it without giving much thought. At least if I know I am such case, I would not be lying to myself that "hey! you HAVE friends." but in fact, the funny thing is I am not aware that I am truely, indeed lying to myself. Sounds messy eh? In a nutshell, I am confused.

"I'm a big big girl,
in this big big world,
it's not a big big thing if you leave me."

I'm sure you have heard this song. Let me change the verses a bit.

"I'm a small small girl,

in this big ugly world,
it's will be a good good thing

if you tell me."

So TELL me if I'm a friend who is just there at your disposal. Nothing is going to change I promise but at least I won't break my heart time and time again due to the fact that I had a glimmer of hope that someone is really there for me, truly there for me and always be there for me for all it matters.

PS:no fault goes to the friend I studied with.
appreciated the time we spent studying together.

Hi Stranger

Hi stranger. Why are your face wet?
Hi stranger. Why are your eyes swollen?
Hi stranger. Why are you sitting on the staircase alone?
Hi stranger. Why are you unable to tell me why you are upset?
Hi stranger. Why are you looking away?
Hi stranger. Why do you hide yourself from others?
Hi stranger. Why do you regard yourself as a stranger when it is yourself?
Hi stranger. Why do I not understand you?
Hi stranger. I'm tired of you.
Get lost.

Bye stranger.

Grad Day...

No biggy today man. It's like a total waste of time till to the near end. Started off with consultations. Sultan thinks I'm nuts to have that early in the morning. What to do? The tutor had her schedule booked to the very last minute. She was sneezing while teaching me and gave me a post it dispenser. Just great man...I'm already feeling like one and it was like a confirmation that I'm really one. After that principal talk and other wad nots. Honour roll and most improvement. Blah blah blah...dunno wad I was doing with Sultan's class also la...just can kill time steady enough. CT period was a waste of time. Got back result slip, check testimonial and ya, you guessed it right, I was isolating myself again. "What the fuck is with this graduation day anyways.." dunno how many times had I thought about it. Went to eat. Some of the loser classmates went to eat also, keep mumbling "3 more minutesdf...2 more minutes.." couldn't finish their food. toss it. Was kinda amusing to watch them rush through their food while I took my time. The biggest loser was the one who bought noodle soup when the bell rang. Ah, stupid me actually thought of staying for him. What rubbish I am. Had time to chat with some of my bros while watching him finishing his food and rushed upstairs. Screw the grad ceremony. Did not go in. Was back being my usual self. Stone at staircase with Ming Jie, babbling rubbish with pathetic thoughts that he might be able to understand my feelings. Well, it boiled down to just pia with studies, talk rubbish later. Sigh, god damn it fucking right. Went it after my butt got flatten on the staircase. Wonder how I pulled it off during sec sch when I could stone without moving for half an hour. I must be really emo. My class got two awards which are Most improved (gag) and most service learning hours (we must be a bunch of KPOs). Alvin told me to take 4 chocs that we had won (like as if I give a shit) reason that I contributed in the service award thingy. I shot back," Aren't steph and cass are the ones that put in a lot of effort into that?" "True". Fuck, he is dim witted. Felt like throwing the choc into his face but hey, MERCI choc you know. Wanted to buy that for my ex's b'day so I might, MIGHT be able to try it too but hell, between wallet and choc, which one makes me appear more NOT bimbotic? WALLET LA!

I tell you now. The fun part only starts now. That's why it deserves a new paragraph. After grad ceremony, I was still having the sian face. So Sultan being very sweet, put a cam in front of me and I had no choice but to do spastic stuff likeSO my mood changed for the better very fast. Very soon became a photographer for class 0813. Very happy to be at their service. Loved their camera to bits. Haha. Went to lt 4 to take spastic shots. Ya, the models' demands are way egoistic. But hey, they are guys you know. What they wanted that I can't say la...later people categorized my blog as one of the porn webby I will totally sian. Went to eat pizza hut and teach tuition.

PS: sultan, if you were to read this,
dun scold me for skipping so many details
on the last bit,blogging is tiring man...
But i thank you for the wonderful memory
on my grad day though it was at the very end.

Today was a crappy day. Went to school at nine thirty when everyone was going hone. Opposite direction eh? Went to school for bio and taught some of my folks gp. You must be asking why so late. Cos to be honest, I had no intention to go to school at all. Well, I told my CT that I had diarrhea. Bullshit. Sigh. Shitty day. Feeling damn alone. Dunno what is biting me. Not Hazel of course. Just that have this chip on my back which is unreachable. Nay, not because my arms are short, just that I have no one to turn to get that chip off. Irritating. Kinda upsetting too.

Turn on the engine!

Today was the first day I went to school for this week. Feeling super not motivated to go to school. Nay, its not because of my laziness towards work but the people who I see in school makes me damn sian. Thank god I saw none of them. Haha, jess jio me go for lunch but I promised Hazel I'll be back home by 1300. But still, I stayed on. Ate chicken rice with jia hao, yi da, jess and kae luen. Rounds after rounds of 冷笑话, with my constant reminder for yi da to finish his food. Sigh, realised I super noob in maths le. Must chiong more papers! Bathed Hazel but had problems with brushing her teeth. Her normal enthusiasm to attack my fingers seemed to be gone, instead she clams her mouth shut, only 5 minutes later she tasted the toothpaste *lick lick* THEN she opened her pretty mouth. Teeth so small, yet so sharp. Showering was not much of a problem just that I keep worrying if she's gonna catch a cold. Toweled her dry, like typical dogs, sprayed me with water by shaking her body. Wish humans can do that..lol! Had fun thought but tiring. Alrights, I'm off to study!!!

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head.
Television freak show cops and robbers everywhere.
Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far.
Got to break away so take my hand now because, I want to live like animals.

Careless and free, like animals.
I want to run through the jungle the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet.

I've been having difficulties keeping to myself.
Feelings and emotions better left up on the shelf.
Animals and children tell the truth they never lie.
Which one is more human?
There's a thought now you decide.

Compassion in the jungle.
Compassion in your hands.
Would you like to make a run for it?
would you like to take my hand?

Sometimes this life can get you down.
It's so confusing there's so many rules to follow.
But I don't feel it because I just run away in my mind.

I want to live like animals.
Careless and free, like animals.
I want to live.
I want to run through the jungle the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet.

Ah...new member of family

家里来了一个新成员，但不需要多一双筷子。haha...this is my new daughter hazel. Sigh...but my fortune is like mmmm....gone. She is a shih tzu. 2 and half months old. Pure breed. Female...of course la. Damn, this means there are 4 females in the house. Talking about oestrogen level shooting sky high...lol. This means I have all the reasons in the world to go home early. Someone to look forward to at the end of the day. Screw the people in school. Muahahaha! Paiseh...the video suck.

I am falling sick. finally.

I'm strong on the surface, but not all the way through

I dreamt I was missing, I were so scared. But no one would listen cos no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke, crying again, with this fear. How many more nights I am going to spend wetting my pillow? What am I leaving when I'm done here? Does anyone know if I'm leaving in the first place? Not expecting to be one who is so important that friend will fuss like crazy. A little of that seemed like a luxury. I'm strong on the surface but not all the way through. I've never been perfect but neither has anyone else. So explain to me all the differences that occur to me but anyone else.I appear strong. Maybe someone whose 神经 is super 大条one. But no point right? Trying to ignore everything that threatens my emotions, judging by how much I can be affected by actions so trivial such as tossing my paper on the table with the comment,"eee..." ah...one of the tutors did told me those people are childish so I should not react to it. But it still hurts doesn't it? So much of putting in effort to maintain a friendship. Ended up hurting hurting myself. I dread going to school. Hated it to bits. People hang out with, they are super nice, they tolerate my nonsensical rubbish but still I dun feel belong. Dunno how to phrase it,let's see...maybe is like entering a place that makes you stick out like a sore thumb? Is like settling at the table with a plate of chicken rice can be very awkward, no matter I'm with someone or not. Watch everyone around me, thoughts like," they look cool sia...one gang of people doing stuff together," or "if only I can be like them."

Hey, Hey Did you ever think there might be another way to just feel better,just feel better about today? *shrug* I have no idea actually. Right now I feel just like a leaf on a breeze. Who knows where it's blowing. Who knows where it's going. I find myself somewhere I never thought I'd be. Going round in circles, thinking about people and me. How do I explain it when I don't know what to say? What do I do now, so much has changed and yet I'm back at square one? Scrolling down contacts, dunno who to confine to. They either shrug off and say,"joey, relax.." or dunno la..scold me for the lack of gratitude but saying thanks for no help done (what I feel) sounds damn hypocritical. What to do? I'm on my own, as it always been. People in my life...like my luck in mahjong. Takes pains to earn a thousand bucks in 4 games(equivalent to 2 relative close friends in 6 months) but gone just in the next game( equivalent to 5 friends in 3 months). Lousy skill eh lousy skill. Skills infested with lice. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Funny.

Words of advice for myself

Smile girl, for you are not dead yet.
Jia you Joey for all the things you do, your inner self can never betray you though you have betrayed yourself numerous times, but is the better of the evil between others and yourself.
You get punched by others, you return it ten fold, discarding the ties you used to have with them.
Be practical, girl. No one in this world ever pity someone who has fallen from grace but never fail to use him as a stepping stone.
BE STRONG JOEY!

Love,
Your inner self.

Maths...maths...maths

No one say MUST go to your designated LT wad...so I went to LT 4 today for maths lecture. The speed was crazy but I liked it. Was damn motivated to do well for maths. I mean for me going towards teaching career, maths seems to be the only subject that blows students' minds off literally. Well, I WAS IMPRESSED. The lecturer was running along the line that cuts cockiness and showing,"Hey, I'm that good." Wish to be like him...but my maths is like shit. My maths tutor was showing off how zai his maths was. Having chicken pox prior to A levels seems taboo and downright suay, but he pulled it off. Bragged that he did all sorts of stupid things that typical mischievous students might do during secondary school, hell...looking back I was running after late comers with a councillor tie straggling my neck. No life sia...simply no life...downright pathetic.