It snapped

Something just broke on the 29^th December 2016. I probably had shrugged it off for a day or two but that ugliness kept creeping in whenever it has the chance to. That familiar sight of “everyone is in it but NOT you’. It killed me. It racked up some of the worst wounds I had in the past. IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!!! What I did was only to move to the next table to accommodate the then intern. What did you expect me to do?! Squeeze 9 persons in a tiny table? I kinda have an excellent first-hand experience of true loneliness amongst a crowd.

Things did not get better as the year came to its last few seconds. Having to organise gatherings was getting harder, coordinating amongst 4 people was like asking a nation to contribute 10cents per household to charity. Messages were read and ignored. Repeated question seemed to have become a sign of restriction not concern. The constant battle for attention when it was needed and redundant ones granted when the desire was abandoned.

So, what I did was ripping off any seemingly close but in fact useless relations. Of course, my absence seemed to attract attention with the usual “what happened”. Nah, I don’t need those anymore. Each time I pressed the delete button, there was a tiny bit feeling of liberation with huge doses of regret. Regret and disappointment with myself. Berating myself on regards to invest any emotions on another person.

Whatever I am doing, I know I am sabotaging my own marriage. Whenever I have anger towards him, I used to flare and it wasn’t pretty. Things were slammed. No, I do not need reminders how my life was. Fine, I swallowed everything and shoved it somewhere within me. I have no idea how to throw it away. Since when I knew? The irony was that the person who cultivated emotions into me was the same one who triggered everything. For some reason, he is always the one.

I have no one to talk to now. At least this time round, I choose it that way. I know I am suffering. I felt like I was dying on New Year’s Day, wheezing and fruitlessly massaging my numb fingers. I knew what it was and of course to confirm it meant a meaningless trip to the doctor’s. You know? To make sure it was ultimately not due to some bogus allergy. That familiar ache in the chest, suffocating me.

At least I am finally having the guts to do what I should have done. Hopefully, I can at least keep a promise to myself. I do not need unnecessary human interactions.

Bye everyone. I will cease to exist in your life.